How to Avoid Marriage Suffering

In an intimate, loving relationship it just doesn't work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you're convinced that you're right. This approach would create such inequity and unfairness that the marriage would suffer.
Usually, though both partners do make an earnest effort to compromise on issues, they fail because they go about trying to compromise in the wrong way. Negotiation is possible only after you've followed the steps above--softening startup, repairing your discussion, and keeping calm. These prime you for compromise by getting you into a positive mode.
Before you try to resolve a conflict, remember that the cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth principle of marriage-accepting influence. This means that for a compromise to work, you can't have a closed mind to your spouse's opinions and desires.
You don't have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be honestly open to considering his or her position. That's what accepting influence is really all about. If you find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem with you, your discussion will never get anywhere. Realize that it may take time and continued self-awareness to break out of this tendency. Your spouse can assist you in seeing things from his or her perspective. Ask your spouse questions to help you see his or her point of view. Remember to search for the part of your spouse's perspective that, by objective standards, is reasonable.
Once you're ready, there's nothing magical about finding a solution you both can live with. Often compromise is just a matter of talking out your differences and preferences in a systematic way This is not difficult to do as long as you continue to follow the steps above to prevent your discussion from becoming overwhelmingly negative.
Look for common bases of agreement. Remember as you discuss this to make use of all the other problem-solving strategies outlined in this article softened startup and soothing yourself or each other if flooding occurs.
Most likely if you're grappling with a solvable problem, following these steps will lead you to find a reasonable compromise. Once you do, try out the solution for an agreed-upon time before revisiting it and deciding if it's working. If it's not, begin the process again and work together to resolve it.












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